Time INS VS Time OUTS

If you are a parent of a toddler, you probably are pretty well versed in the well known time-out. We've probably all heard the do's and don'ts of time out- every minute for however old the child is, etc. For a lot of parents, time outs can be an effective strategy and I do believe that it can be effective if it's implemented correctly.  Just enter "time out" on Google and you instantly have at your fingertips expert (and not so expert) advice on how to do a time out.


In the past year or so, we've started doing time ins. Sometimes, when our kids are acting up, our first reaction is to isolate them or take them away from the situation/person etc. And that is appropriate for some situations. Some kids just need to take time away from whatever the trigger has been. I have found that in our house, a lot of acting out behaviors were simply a cry for attention. And that's another thing that happens- we start to deny attention when acting up occurs so as not to continue giving attention when they're seeking it in such negative ways. But sometimes, doing the opposite is much more effective. So, obviously depending on the situation and severity of the behavior- we do time ins. If Sophia is struggling or not listening, I simply take her hand and have her spend time with me. She might help me with something I'm doing at the moment, or we might simply sit together quietly. I have found that this strategy works just as effective, if not more, than time outs.


Some of you may struggle with giving your child the "extra" attention when they're misbehaving. It may feel like giving in or sending the message that it's ok to behave in that way. But I encourage you to ask yourself about what your child's behavior is telling you. And just because you do a time in doesn't mean you don't talk about the behavior or consequences. We still have that conversation but it provides an opportunity to do so in an environment where we are really connected and makes it so much easier to address the behavior.


And sure, there are times when a break from each other is probably necessary for everyone!The aim of a time out is to give each of you space and for everyone to regroup, calm down and gather themselves.  But if you're finding most of your time outs are being used for your child to take off their clothes, pick their nose, hang upside down or it's further escalating a tantrum or behavior, a time in might be your answer. Do you do time out? Time ins? A mixture of both? Please share!

   

Time ins can really work!

 

Do As I Say, Not as I Do

As Sophia has gotten older, I can't tell you how many times people have commented about how similar we are. Comments like, "Wow, THAT'S where she gets that from!" or "I've seen that from somewhere before." And it's true. There are so many mannerisms and traits that I see in Sophia that remind me of myself. From her slow to warm up personality to her strong willed stubborn side, I can confirm she gets them from me.

Passing on my love for Starbucks? Yup!

Since Saidey has started walking and talking, I have overheard Sophia in her mommy-like voice, reprimanding her little sister, sounding eerily identical to my voice and tone. At times, when I've been eye to eye in a standoff with Sophia- it's like looking in a mirror. And sometimes I can't help but laugh, especially when my four year old is reminding me to "Say it in a nice way, Mommy," complete with a hand on her hip and a pointed finger.


Lots of times when our similarities have been brought to my attention, I took it in stride and laughed about it, but there are times when I want to duck and hide as some of my less favorable traits have been passed on. She serves as my constant reminder that from the day she was born, it is my responsibility to raise a caring, loving individual who will contribute to society in a positive way. What a huge undertaking. Some days I feel the full weight of that responsibility, too. Her very first experiences will lay the foundation for the rest of her life and I play an imperative role in that.

My brown eyed girl :)

When I became a parent, I strove to become not only a better mom but a better human being. Someone who not only talks the talk but walks the walk. Because I know that there are now two sets of little eyes on me at all times- I know that I can talk and lecture all I want. It's my actions that will speak the loudest. It's my actions that my children are watching and taking in. Not what I say.
But here's the upside- I know I'm going to mess it up. I know that I will resort to saying, "Do as I say, not as I do," on more than one occasion on this adventure we call parenting. And I'm sure as they get older, they will be the first ones to point it out to me. But I can show them what making mistakes is all about and how to make it right. To be able to say, "You're right, I made a mistake." To admit when you're wrong and then take steps to make it right. And that's what parenthood is all about- trial and error and apologizing as you go, right?!

Gal #2 with a strong will. Like mother, like daughter

First Snookies visit of the season

And more to come, I'm sure!

So, tell me- what are some traits (positive or negative!) that you see in your child that they've inherited from you? Please share!

A great, eye opening video about how our actions impact our kids. 

5 Ways to Encourage Behavior You WANT to See

There's days in our house where I feel like such a nagger and negative Nelly. But it always seems if our day starts on a sour note, it all just goes downhill from there and we're having a scene from Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad, Day. Sometimes, I feel like a broken record- "Sophia, pick up your toys, Saidey, don't pick up your nose, Will, pick up your dirty socks." And a lot of times I feel like a shadow, following everyone and trying to restore order. It is SO easy to get sucked into a negative attitude and before you know it, we're all flustered and frustrated with one another.

As someone who has worked in childcare and now back in the early childhood field once again, I've learned a few strategies that have helped me gain positive behavior in my kids (and husband) but shhh.. don't tell him that!

Praise

For those of you who grimace at the thought of every single kid on the T-ball team receiving an award for just being on the team- bare with me, here. This is one of the most effective strategies I have found. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't throw Sophia a party for going to the bathroom but when she is doing a great job- I let her know. Loudly. And I go overboard. I don't just flippantly say "good job" at every little thing. I get on her level and specifically point out the thing she did. I say, "I like how you picked up your shoes- that helps me out a lot," for example. Little signs of praise are great too- a thumbs up and high fives are quick but effective ways to reinforce the behavior you want to see. 

Focus on the Positive

Like I said before, it's really easy to get stuck on the negative. Sometimes, we focus so much on it, our kids start to pick up that it is the only time they get attention from us. Not to say that if she does something she isn't supposed to that I let it slide, quite the opposite. But, what I do, is, keep it short, keep it simple with as little reaction as possible and give it as little attention. I (try to) remain calm, firm and consistent. But agian, when she is doing a great job, I REALLY focus on that.

Establish house rules

We have unwritten house rules that really need to get posted somewhere visible in our house. One of these unwritten rules is "be respectful." When Sophia is doing something that doesn't align with this rule, I can remind her of the rule. I've also had to teach her what being respectful is and I do this by reinforcing respectful behavior. (PRAISE!) For example, "Sophia, I really like how you listened to me the first time, that's being respectful." Another big rule at our house is "be responsible." I can usually always connect a behavior with a rule and reinforce the behavior by praising.

Quality time together

Make it a priority to spend time with your kiddos. It's all about quality versus quantity. Get down on the floor and play. Spending quality time with them will fulfill their want for attention, decreasing the chances they will try to seek your attention in negative ways! 

Have fun!! 

This can be tied back to spending quality time together but especially when you find your house a mess, the kids are whiny and you're thinking that it must be 5:00 somewhere- the best thing you can do is just stop. Breathe. And get down on the floor and play. The best stress reliever sometimes, can just be letting loose and playing with your kids. This gets everyone recharged and then you can focus on getting all those other tasks done. Laugh with your kids and simply enjoy them. 

So, there are my five tips on encouraging positive behavior! And remember, kids have bad days too! 

 

See how well I'm doing with this one so far?! :)

Aaaand.. the aftermath! Good thing she's small- I can just pick her right up! :)