The Year I Didn't Take My Kids to See Santa or the Easter Bunny

Ok, the title is a wee misleading. But hear me out. When I had kids all of my idiosyncrasies really kicked in- worrying, anxiety, and perfectionism. I've been on a journey of self reflection and personal development for a few years now when I really realized just how much these idiosyncrasies were impacting my life. And not in a great way. You can check those posts out here.. and here. Oh, and here too.

The last year has been the year I've experienced more growth and change than ever. I am in a constant evolution though and feel nowhere where I would like to be but then again, will I ever? I've always felt that motherhood and life is a constant series of figuring yourself out, finding yourself, readjusting and doing it all over again.

Back to the title. I realize it says "the year I didn't take my kids to see Santa or Easter Bunny," and that's not entirely true. I did, in fact, take them to see both, in a sense. Let me explain. In the past years, going to see Santa or Easter Bunny were BIG deals. I planned outfits, hair bows and shoes. I made sure that we went to see Santa or the Easter Bunny ahead of the actual holiday and made sure my Nikon was ready. This year and probably even last year- not so much. We happened to be at the mall this December and on a whim decided to let the girls sit on Santa's lap- and NOT in coordinated clothes and bows- OH the horror! And I didn't even worry about making sure Will got the perfect picture, either. It was solely for the girls to talk with Santa (or in Saidey's case- hide in my shoulder)- and my opportunity to view the magic of the holidays through a 5 and 2 year old's eyes. And this year- we saw the Easter Bunny last minute at Will's work. It dawned on me a week before Easter that we didn't do the obligatory Easter Bunny visit at the mall. I had a flash of guilt and then moved on with life.

We did get a picture with the Easter Bunny... and cotton candy as big as their heads. 

This might not seem like a big deal to some of you but for me, it shows how I'm finally listening to my own advice. Not sweating the small things. That it's ok to not document every holiday with the obligatory sitting on the lap of a bearded man or oversized, actually scary bunny. That it's simply all ok and the world doesn't stop spinning if your kid's outfit doesn't match.

The "skeleton" at the park. The day the girls declared it to be PJ day! 

I have let go of the idea that my kids will look perfect at all times. Dealing with a VERY opinionated 3 year old has helped me move past that idea. So much in fact that I've let her wear PJ's to daycare (and NOT on PJ day, mind you), and if she wants a braid off the top of her head because she wants to look like Elsa, darn it, I let her. I still have some progress to make in this category because Sophia doesn't mind when I pick out her clothes, usually. So, during the week, I mostly pick out options and then she picks from those. But on the weekends, I do let her pick out her own clothes which is progress for me.

Sophia in one of her creations. The Shay a year or two ago would never let her wear this out of the house. She rocked this outfit to the mall and out to eat! And I wouldn't have posted this picture because Sophia looks half asleep here a year ago but #reallife

Also, I understand that this is the first post I've written since Saidey's birthday, well over a month ago. I will be back to posting my monthly What's Up Wednesday post on Wednesday so I can update you all on what's been going on in our world! See you then! =)

Per-fek-tion

/perfekshen/

The condition, state or quality of being as free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects.

This post has been on my mind since my trip to Omaha, about a month ago. Thoughts about what I wanted to write, what to share and how I would do it would occupy my thoughts. With most posts or ideas- I jot down random thoughts and then compose a rough draft on paper. Then I type it and make edits and clean it up.


This post was much different. There was no jotting down thoughts or ideas- it was almost like I had writer's block. But the more I thought about it- the more I realized that what was blocking me from writing- was myself, or rather fear. Because once I put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard- these thoughts, they're out there, out in the open. Which means it's no longer safe, or protected within me. And that terrifies me.

I've shared glimpses of it here and here but intentionally didn't go into detail. I've never considered myself a perfectionist. Those who know me well- know that I can be super flighty- I lose my car keys, phone, ID- you name it- I've lost it. In the family, I'm known as the kid who lost her passport on her way out of the country. And my wedding ring? Yeaaa.. cringe. But as I've gotten older, I've realized tendencies to maintain or strive for perfectionism have come out in different ways. It's easy to laugh or shrug off the 1,000th time I've lost my keys or phone but less hard to shrug off that I don't always have it all figured out, that my kids misbehave, that my child qualifies for an IEP, that my house gets messy and my professional life was in question for almost a year.

I work hard to make my life near perfect- whether it's preparing for a birthday party and ensuring EVERY LITTLE DETAIL IS JUST SO. Or, getting ready and making sure my outfit, hair and make up is perfect. Or, making sure the girls' outfits match their bows.

I turn into a crazy, mad woman when we have guests- dusting, redusting, and making things JUST SO.


WHY???

WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH???


I know no one is perfect. I know my kids, my friends, family don't give ONE RIP if the girls' outfits match or that our mini blinds aren't clean. BUT I DO.

And it's because I'm scared out of my mind to let those things go. I hold myself to a higher set of standards than I hold anyone else to.

I'm SUPPOSED to have a clean house. I'm SUPPOSED to be put together. My kids are SUPPOSED to look perfectly dressed. I'm SUPPOSED to make home made meals, use non toxic household cleaners/products. I'm SUPPOSED to have IT ALL TOGETHER.

This is what I tell myself, anyway.

Because if I don't?

Then, that means I am somehow less of a person. And that is unacceptable. As a helper- I SHOULD have things figured out, my LIFE CAN'T BE A MESS.

But reality is, sometimes it is. I HAVE to learn to let go. BREATHE. To know it's all gonna be ok. That the people who matter the most, don't care what I look like, what my house looks like, or what I serve for food.

I've also realized my strive for perfectionism is there to not let people in. Because if it all looks good on the outside, rarely do people question if it's all good on the inside. People think, "Wow- she must have it all together." And that's a safe place for me to be in- to not be asked if everything is ok, if I'm ok. Also, would people accept me if they saw the real me? Imperfections and all?

Brene Brown said it best with these quotes