Per-fek-tion

/perfekshen/

The condition, state or quality of being as free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects.

This post has been on my mind since my trip to Omaha, about a month ago. Thoughts about what I wanted to write, what to share and how I would do it would occupy my thoughts. With most posts or ideas- I jot down random thoughts and then compose a rough draft on paper. Then I type it and make edits and clean it up.


This post was much different. There was no jotting down thoughts or ideas- it was almost like I had writer's block. But the more I thought about it- the more I realized that what was blocking me from writing- was myself, or rather fear. Because once I put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard- these thoughts, they're out there, out in the open. Which means it's no longer safe, or protected within me. And that terrifies me.

I've shared glimpses of it here and here but intentionally didn't go into detail. I've never considered myself a perfectionist. Those who know me well- know that I can be super flighty- I lose my car keys, phone, ID- you name it- I've lost it. In the family, I'm known as the kid who lost her passport on her way out of the country. And my wedding ring? Yeaaa.. cringe. But as I've gotten older, I've realized tendencies to maintain or strive for perfectionism have come out in different ways. It's easy to laugh or shrug off the 1,000th time I've lost my keys or phone but less hard to shrug off that I don't always have it all figured out, that my kids misbehave, that my child qualifies for an IEP, that my house gets messy and my professional life was in question for almost a year.

I work hard to make my life near perfect- whether it's preparing for a birthday party and ensuring EVERY LITTLE DETAIL IS JUST SO. Or, getting ready and making sure my outfit, hair and make up is perfect. Or, making sure the girls' outfits match their bows.

I turn into a crazy, mad woman when we have guests- dusting, redusting, and making things JUST SO.


WHY???

WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH???


I know no one is perfect. I know my kids, my friends, family don't give ONE RIP if the girls' outfits match or that our mini blinds aren't clean. BUT I DO.

And it's because I'm scared out of my mind to let those things go. I hold myself to a higher set of standards than I hold anyone else to.

I'm SUPPOSED to have a clean house. I'm SUPPOSED to be put together. My kids are SUPPOSED to look perfectly dressed. I'm SUPPOSED to make home made meals, use non toxic household cleaners/products. I'm SUPPOSED to have IT ALL TOGETHER.

This is what I tell myself, anyway.

Because if I don't?

Then, that means I am somehow less of a person. And that is unacceptable. As a helper- I SHOULD have things figured out, my LIFE CAN'T BE A MESS.

But reality is, sometimes it is. I HAVE to learn to let go. BREATHE. To know it's all gonna be ok. That the people who matter the most, don't care what I look like, what my house looks like, or what I serve for food.

I've also realized my strive for perfectionism is there to not let people in. Because if it all looks good on the outside, rarely do people question if it's all good on the inside. People think, "Wow- she must have it all together." And that's a safe place for me to be in- to not be asked if everything is ok, if I'm ok. Also, would people accept me if they saw the real me? Imperfections and all?

Brene Brown said it best with these quotes

The Hardest Job I Couldn't Do

When I look back at my most favorite teachers- I can specifically remember their names- Mr. Heggen, Mrs. Mattox, Mrs. Claypool, Mr. Spears, Mrs. Chandler... and what made them my favorite. It wasn't how well they taught algebra or literature elements like plot, climax and setting. It was how they made me feel and most likely, my other classmates- like we belonged to their class and they truly enjoyed having each one of us in it. It was how they didn't take themselves too seriously but had fun and we knew they truly loved what they did.

When I work with several early childhood teachers- I see teachers who truly love what they do and how they are in it for the kids. I can walk into any room and can tell almost instantly which teacher is there for a paycheck and who is there because they truly want to be. And the kids can tell too. As did I, when I had a teacher who was not happy teaching anymore. I'm sure we've all had experiences with those kinds of teachers. When I think about a teacher's job- whether they're working with 3 and 4 year old children or high school kids, I KNOW what a stressful job they have. How tired, exhausted, and utterly frustrating it can get. I can see the weary eyes and the weary voices as they tell Joey to sit criss cross applesauce for the 20th time. I can see the weary eyes and weary voices as they try to get 20, 16 year olds focused on learning Shakespeare when half of the class didn't get any sleep the night before, or didn't get breakfast. The amount of "stuff" that is put in a teacher's way when one of their main goals is just to simply teach is astronomical. The politics of education and pressures of what kids need to learn before going into Kindergarten or score high on a standard test are what teachers face every day.

When you look at your average classroom, it can be estimated that one third of students in the classroom will have four or more adverse childhood experiences or ACES. When you think about how that impacts the children in those classrooms- you can imagine the tough job teachers have ahead of them. We expect the classroom to be a place of learning and an environment that supports encouragement, growth and stimulation. But how can a teacher possibly teach a child whose mind is constantly on alert- waiting for something bad to happen because they've been wired to be on the watch out? What about the kid whose family is homeless? Or the kid whose parent was just incarcerated the night before, right before him? The hardships that face our kids today are REAL and they are HAPPENING. And they are sitting right in those desk chairs in YOUR classroom.

Teachers have quite possibly one of the toughest jobs ever, but also one of the most important. So since this week is Teacher Appreciation Week, I encourage you to let a special teacher you know how much you appreciate their hard work. And to all you amazing teachers out there- please keep trucking along. I know it gets hard. I know it gets exhausting. I know it would be easy to give up. I know there are a lot of odds stacked against you. I know how you feel when you've been kicked at, spit on and yelled at. But please, keep trying. The kids that push you away the hardest are the ones that need you the most. You're doing a job that I'm sure most American's couldn't do, me being one of them. So today and everyday, know how appreciated you are. And to all the selfless, wonderful teachers out there-thank you for all you do!

 

Sophia's gifts to her teacher this year. Idea from U Create

Do As I Say, Not as I Do

As Sophia has gotten older, I can't tell you how many times people have commented about how similar we are. Comments like, "Wow, THAT'S where she gets that from!" or "I've seen that from somewhere before." And it's true. There are so many mannerisms and traits that I see in Sophia that remind me of myself. From her slow to warm up personality to her strong willed stubborn side, I can confirm she gets them from me.

Passing on my love for Starbucks? Yup!

Since Saidey has started walking and talking, I have overheard Sophia in her mommy-like voice, reprimanding her little sister, sounding eerily identical to my voice and tone. At times, when I've been eye to eye in a standoff with Sophia- it's like looking in a mirror. And sometimes I can't help but laugh, especially when my four year old is reminding me to "Say it in a nice way, Mommy," complete with a hand on her hip and a pointed finger.


Lots of times when our similarities have been brought to my attention, I took it in stride and laughed about it, but there are times when I want to duck and hide as some of my less favorable traits have been passed on. She serves as my constant reminder that from the day she was born, it is my responsibility to raise a caring, loving individual who will contribute to society in a positive way. What a huge undertaking. Some days I feel the full weight of that responsibility, too. Her very first experiences will lay the foundation for the rest of her life and I play an imperative role in that.

My brown eyed girl :)

When I became a parent, I strove to become not only a better mom but a better human being. Someone who not only talks the talk but walks the walk. Because I know that there are now two sets of little eyes on me at all times- I know that I can talk and lecture all I want. It's my actions that will speak the loudest. It's my actions that my children are watching and taking in. Not what I say.
But here's the upside- I know I'm going to mess it up. I know that I will resort to saying, "Do as I say, not as I do," on more than one occasion on this adventure we call parenting. And I'm sure as they get older, they will be the first ones to point it out to me. But I can show them what making mistakes is all about and how to make it right. To be able to say, "You're right, I made a mistake." To admit when you're wrong and then take steps to make it right. And that's what parenthood is all about- trial and error and apologizing as you go, right?!

Gal #2 with a strong will. Like mother, like daughter

First Snookies visit of the season

And more to come, I'm sure!

So, tell me- what are some traits (positive or negative!) that you see in your child that they've inherited from you? Please share!

A great, eye opening video about how our actions impact our kids. 

5 Ways to Encourage Behavior You WANT to See

There's days in our house where I feel like such a nagger and negative Nelly. But it always seems if our day starts on a sour note, it all just goes downhill from there and we're having a scene from Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad, Day. Sometimes, I feel like a broken record- "Sophia, pick up your toys, Saidey, don't pick up your nose, Will, pick up your dirty socks." And a lot of times I feel like a shadow, following everyone and trying to restore order. It is SO easy to get sucked into a negative attitude and before you know it, we're all flustered and frustrated with one another.

As someone who has worked in childcare and now back in the early childhood field once again, I've learned a few strategies that have helped me gain positive behavior in my kids (and husband) but shhh.. don't tell him that!

Praise

For those of you who grimace at the thought of every single kid on the T-ball team receiving an award for just being on the team- bare with me, here. This is one of the most effective strategies I have found. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't throw Sophia a party for going to the bathroom but when she is doing a great job- I let her know. Loudly. And I go overboard. I don't just flippantly say "good job" at every little thing. I get on her level and specifically point out the thing she did. I say, "I like how you picked up your shoes- that helps me out a lot," for example. Little signs of praise are great too- a thumbs up and high fives are quick but effective ways to reinforce the behavior you want to see. 

Focus on the Positive

Like I said before, it's really easy to get stuck on the negative. Sometimes, we focus so much on it, our kids start to pick up that it is the only time they get attention from us. Not to say that if she does something she isn't supposed to that I let it slide, quite the opposite. But, what I do, is, keep it short, keep it simple with as little reaction as possible and give it as little attention. I (try to) remain calm, firm and consistent. But agian, when she is doing a great job, I REALLY focus on that.

Establish house rules

We have unwritten house rules that really need to get posted somewhere visible in our house. One of these unwritten rules is "be respectful." When Sophia is doing something that doesn't align with this rule, I can remind her of the rule. I've also had to teach her what being respectful is and I do this by reinforcing respectful behavior. (PRAISE!) For example, "Sophia, I really like how you listened to me the first time, that's being respectful." Another big rule at our house is "be responsible." I can usually always connect a behavior with a rule and reinforce the behavior by praising.

Quality time together

Make it a priority to spend time with your kiddos. It's all about quality versus quantity. Get down on the floor and play. Spending quality time with them will fulfill their want for attention, decreasing the chances they will try to seek your attention in negative ways! 

Have fun!! 

This can be tied back to spending quality time together but especially when you find your house a mess, the kids are whiny and you're thinking that it must be 5:00 somewhere- the best thing you can do is just stop. Breathe. And get down on the floor and play. The best stress reliever sometimes, can just be letting loose and playing with your kids. This gets everyone recharged and then you can focus on getting all those other tasks done. Laugh with your kids and simply enjoy them. 

So, there are my five tips on encouraging positive behavior! And remember, kids have bad days too! 

 

See how well I'm doing with this one so far?! :)

Aaaand.. the aftermath! Good thing she's small- I can just pick her right up! :)

My kid knows their ABC's, isn't that enough?

When I first started my current position, I learned all sorts of things that benefited me personally. The most important- how to support your child's mental health. Sure, I knew early experiences lay the foundation for later development. I knew that mental health issues impacted children. But I always thought of it in extremes. Like severe traumatic experiences. Adoption/foster care. I knew of course the importance of being aware of these issues and how it impacts children.


But when it came to thinking about it in terms of my own children, I never thought of it. I never thought of the ways I could support mental health in my two, healthy, typically developing children. Thankfully, I have found out how I can support mental health in my children and I would like to share how you can as well!

What does mental health have to do with my kid?

Well, it has to do with a lot. In the simplest terms, early childhood mental health is the child's ability to identify and regulate emotions. How are they developing across all the developmental domains? (cognitive, language, gross/fine motor, social/emotional) Early childhood mental health looks at a child's ability to get along with others, problem solve, follow directions and manage BIG feelings. These stages of development apply to ALL children, not just those that have been through a traumatic event. Likewise, these skills are crucial for EVERY child to develop.


So, what can I do to support healthy mental well being in my child?
Thankfully, there is a lot that you can do, but I will just highlight a few here that I believe are most important but also, easy to apply to every day life.


 Identify feelings
 Start using feelings language early. Point out feelings your child is experiencing. Point out and identify feelings of characters in a book or TV show. Point out and identify your own feelings. Ask questions like, "How do you think he/she is feeling right now?"


Regulate your own emotions
This is admittedly, a really tough one for me. But one thing I have learned is that if we, as parents and adults can't/aren't in control of our own emotions, how can we expect our children to be able to? If we are yelling and basically having an adult tantrum when we become angry or upset- this sets an example. I have to remember this when I feel my temper rising- I have to stop, take a deep breath and sometimes even step away for a moment. If we want to teach our children to not throw tantrums, we have to make sure we are also controlling ourselves. Along with that, teaching your child alternative ways to express anger, like walking away or asking for a break, will help your child to begin to develop healthy coping skills and appropriate ways to handle frustration and other bumps in the road. I will even tell Sophia, "I am feeling frustrated right now, I need a break." *After writing this, I got frustrated with Sophia because she wasn't listening and it took FOOOREEVVVER to get the kid in the bathroom to brush her teeth- she told me, "Mommy say it in a nice way." With a pointed finger. Hmmm.. I wonder where she gets that from?!


Teach problem solving skills
When your child is calm and in a good mood- you can start having conversations about what they can do if a conflict arises. Some examples are, "If a friend takes your toy, what can you do?" Help your child come up with appropriate solutions. If a situation does arise, let things settle and then have a conversation about what happened and possible solutions they could try in the future.


Validate, validate, validate
I can't tell you how many times I have brushed Sophia's feelings away, saying, "Oh, you're fine." One simple thing I have done, even in the midst of being told, "Go away, I don't like you." is validate how she is feeling. By simply saying, "I see you're angry, that IS really frustrating." got me SO much further than when I simply punished her for taking a toy away from her sister. Think about it, when you're upset/angry/sad- sometimes the one thing that makes it all just a little better- is when someone simply acknowledges how you are feeling. When they say, I get it, I don't blame you for feeling that way. It works the same way with our kids. Another thing I say a lot is, "It's ok to be angry, it is not ok to X,Y, or Z."


Say I'm sorry
 Most of all though, if you're like me- you'll get impatient, you'll yell, you'll make mistakes. And like me, you'll feel instant guilt and regret of how you handled a situation. But you know the cool thing? We can show our kids that we aren't perfect, we make mistakes and it's ok. And that's a pretty cool lesson- to forgive and show compassion to others. We can also make it right.  Apologize to your kids. Kids are so unbelievably resilient and just when I'm sure I've messed Sophia up for good, she turns to me with those big brown eyes and declares me the best mommy ever. So, even if you do make a mistake, or 2, 3, or 4, know that a hug and an apology can and will make it better. Saying sorry also models empathy and being a good friend.


So, while teaching your kiddos the ABC's and 123's is important, don't forget about the other stuff too. Being a good friend, following directions and managing BIG feelings are also skills that need to be developed and taught.

Saidey has the "angry" face down!