5 Ways to Encourage Behavior You WANT to See

There's days in our house where I feel like such a nagger and negative Nelly. But it always seems if our day starts on a sour note, it all just goes downhill from there and we're having a scene from Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad, Day. Sometimes, I feel like a broken record- "Sophia, pick up your toys, Saidey, don't pick up your nose, Will, pick up your dirty socks." And a lot of times I feel like a shadow, following everyone and trying to restore order. It is SO easy to get sucked into a negative attitude and before you know it, we're all flustered and frustrated with one another.

As someone who has worked in childcare and now back in the early childhood field once again, I've learned a few strategies that have helped me gain positive behavior in my kids (and husband) but shhh.. don't tell him that!

Praise

For those of you who grimace at the thought of every single kid on the T-ball team receiving an award for just being on the team- bare with me, here. This is one of the most effective strategies I have found. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't throw Sophia a party for going to the bathroom but when she is doing a great job- I let her know. Loudly. And I go overboard. I don't just flippantly say "good job" at every little thing. I get on her level and specifically point out the thing she did. I say, "I like how you picked up your shoes- that helps me out a lot," for example. Little signs of praise are great too- a thumbs up and high fives are quick but effective ways to reinforce the behavior you want to see. 

Focus on the Positive

Like I said before, it's really easy to get stuck on the negative. Sometimes, we focus so much on it, our kids start to pick up that it is the only time they get attention from us. Not to say that if she does something she isn't supposed to that I let it slide, quite the opposite. But, what I do, is, keep it short, keep it simple with as little reaction as possible and give it as little attention. I (try to) remain calm, firm and consistent. But agian, when she is doing a great job, I REALLY focus on that.

Establish house rules

We have unwritten house rules that really need to get posted somewhere visible in our house. One of these unwritten rules is "be respectful." When Sophia is doing something that doesn't align with this rule, I can remind her of the rule. I've also had to teach her what being respectful is and I do this by reinforcing respectful behavior. (PRAISE!) For example, "Sophia, I really like how you listened to me the first time, that's being respectful." Another big rule at our house is "be responsible." I can usually always connect a behavior with a rule and reinforce the behavior by praising.

Quality time together

Make it a priority to spend time with your kiddos. It's all about quality versus quantity. Get down on the floor and play. Spending quality time with them will fulfill their want for attention, decreasing the chances they will try to seek your attention in negative ways! 

Have fun!! 

This can be tied back to spending quality time together but especially when you find your house a mess, the kids are whiny and you're thinking that it must be 5:00 somewhere- the best thing you can do is just stop. Breathe. And get down on the floor and play. The best stress reliever sometimes, can just be letting loose and playing with your kids. This gets everyone recharged and then you can focus on getting all those other tasks done. Laugh with your kids and simply enjoy them. 

So, there are my five tips on encouraging positive behavior! And remember, kids have bad days too! 

 

See how well I'm doing with this one so far?! :)

Aaaand.. the aftermath! Good thing she's small- I can just pick her right up! :)

My kid knows their ABC's, isn't that enough?

When I first started my current position, I learned all sorts of things that benefited me personally. The most important- how to support your child's mental health. Sure, I knew early experiences lay the foundation for later development. I knew that mental health issues impacted children. But I always thought of it in extremes. Like severe traumatic experiences. Adoption/foster care. I knew of course the importance of being aware of these issues and how it impacts children.


But when it came to thinking about it in terms of my own children, I never thought of it. I never thought of the ways I could support mental health in my two, healthy, typically developing children. Thankfully, I have found out how I can support mental health in my children and I would like to share how you can as well!

What does mental health have to do with my kid?

Well, it has to do with a lot. In the simplest terms, early childhood mental health is the child's ability to identify and regulate emotions. How are they developing across all the developmental domains? (cognitive, language, gross/fine motor, social/emotional) Early childhood mental health looks at a child's ability to get along with others, problem solve, follow directions and manage BIG feelings. These stages of development apply to ALL children, not just those that have been through a traumatic event. Likewise, these skills are crucial for EVERY child to develop.


So, what can I do to support healthy mental well being in my child?
Thankfully, there is a lot that you can do, but I will just highlight a few here that I believe are most important but also, easy to apply to every day life.


 Identify feelings
 Start using feelings language early. Point out feelings your child is experiencing. Point out and identify feelings of characters in a book or TV show. Point out and identify your own feelings. Ask questions like, "How do you think he/she is feeling right now?"


Regulate your own emotions
This is admittedly, a really tough one for me. But one thing I have learned is that if we, as parents and adults can't/aren't in control of our own emotions, how can we expect our children to be able to? If we are yelling and basically having an adult tantrum when we become angry or upset- this sets an example. I have to remember this when I feel my temper rising- I have to stop, take a deep breath and sometimes even step away for a moment. If we want to teach our children to not throw tantrums, we have to make sure we are also controlling ourselves. Along with that, teaching your child alternative ways to express anger, like walking away or asking for a break, will help your child to begin to develop healthy coping skills and appropriate ways to handle frustration and other bumps in the road. I will even tell Sophia, "I am feeling frustrated right now, I need a break." *After writing this, I got frustrated with Sophia because she wasn't listening and it took FOOOREEVVVER to get the kid in the bathroom to brush her teeth- she told me, "Mommy say it in a nice way." With a pointed finger. Hmmm.. I wonder where she gets that from?!


Teach problem solving skills
When your child is calm and in a good mood- you can start having conversations about what they can do if a conflict arises. Some examples are, "If a friend takes your toy, what can you do?" Help your child come up with appropriate solutions. If a situation does arise, let things settle and then have a conversation about what happened and possible solutions they could try in the future.


Validate, validate, validate
I can't tell you how many times I have brushed Sophia's feelings away, saying, "Oh, you're fine." One simple thing I have done, even in the midst of being told, "Go away, I don't like you." is validate how she is feeling. By simply saying, "I see you're angry, that IS really frustrating." got me SO much further than when I simply punished her for taking a toy away from her sister. Think about it, when you're upset/angry/sad- sometimes the one thing that makes it all just a little better- is when someone simply acknowledges how you are feeling. When they say, I get it, I don't blame you for feeling that way. It works the same way with our kids. Another thing I say a lot is, "It's ok to be angry, it is not ok to X,Y, or Z."


Say I'm sorry
 Most of all though, if you're like me- you'll get impatient, you'll yell, you'll make mistakes. And like me, you'll feel instant guilt and regret of how you handled a situation. But you know the cool thing? We can show our kids that we aren't perfect, we make mistakes and it's ok. And that's a pretty cool lesson- to forgive and show compassion to others. We can also make it right.  Apologize to your kids. Kids are so unbelievably resilient and just when I'm sure I've messed Sophia up for good, she turns to me with those big brown eyes and declares me the best mommy ever. So, even if you do make a mistake, or 2, 3, or 4, know that a hug and an apology can and will make it better. Saying sorry also models empathy and being a good friend.


So, while teaching your kiddos the ABC's and 123's is important, don't forget about the other stuff too. Being a good friend, following directions and managing BIG feelings are also skills that need to be developed and taught.

Saidey has the "angry" face down!